.05.

I'm growing increasingly disenchanted with the way my life seems to have to go for the next two months.

In order to enjoy my summer and make enough money for everything I want to do, plus the money for the move, it seems like I just won't have the time to budget in for getting new paintings done. Which is incredibly displeasing, to say the least.

I never wanted to be someone who has to choose making a living over doing what they wanted. I feel like there's a way to do it, but it would involve cutting off all connections (a very hard task considering that I do poorly in complete isolation and the one person whose mere presence for a few minutes can rejuvinate me is states away) as well as landing in a big ol' pile of money somehow. Or forcing my boyfriend to cover the entirety of the new apartment's start-up cost, which is incredibly unfair.

Or I could beg my parents to support me yet again, at which point I'll be at the mercy of where they want me to live and I will continue to be under their "control" and not really able to fully exert the independance that a 22-year old college graduate should be doing at this point in life.

And I can say right now that it's just until September, but honestly, I'm terrified that that won't be good enough. That I'll just keep failing and failing. I keep making excuses and I refuse to push myself and give up things. I feel greedy and selfish because of it. I feel stifled and empty inside.

I want to make my friends happy. I enjoy seeing them. But I feel like I'm taking them for granted by only seeing them when it costs me no money. I feel like once a month isn't good enough. And also, I end up feeling like going out to see them is a waste of a perfectly good afternoon and I hate that feeling the most. It cheapens our relationships by so much.

I just wish I could figure out a balance.

I wish I didn't feel like they hate me for disappearing on them when they want/need me.

But I'm one socially inept girl who values her career first and foremost and who has far too many friends than is imaginable. I can well say I have over 100 people in my life who I'd love to see more than once a year. But it's how things really just end up working out. I feel selfish for ignoring someone I haven't seen in years just because someone else wants to see me twice this month and will drive me around and pay for my meal.

I hate a lot of things right now. Most especially that tomorrow will involve going to work, dragging two very large silkscreens so that afterwards, I can bring them uptown and attempt to silkscreen three sweaters before 8pm so I can bring them over to my piercer's shop in a timely manner and then hope that my roommate will let me get to bed before 2am.

This morning was the first morning I was able to turn off my cell phone and sleep in, and I still got up by 9:30am.

And now I won't be able to do it for another week, predominantly because of social obligations.

If only travel didn't involve both money and time...