.30.

So much has been going on.

Lately, I've been hallucinating. And by lately I mean the past week. I've started viewing these things as a sort of sign that things aren't going right in my head. A symptom, rather than an actual problem in and of itself. And it's true that I've been very depressed since the time changed over and now it gets dark at 4pm and it's always cold in my apartment and Tim has started working crazy holiday shifts so that I never see him. And on our days together, he mostly spends it asleep.

So I've been very lonely as of late and trying to spend time with people as often as possible. To the point that it is triggering my social anxiety.

I don't trust the people I call my friends. I adore them and all, but I constantly cycle through the idea that either they don't really want me around and are just being polite while saying awful things about me behind my back, or that they require me to be around more often and when I'm not, they get resentful.

And honestly, I think I just need to stop thinking that I am important enough for either of those to be true.

I picked my friends because they are a lot more independant than the average person. And so I'm sure they appreciate me when I'm around and might even be delighted when I stop being a hermit, but if they wanted time away then they would say so. And they won't hold it against me because I have other things to do in my life because so do they.

After having had that epiphany, I've started to calm the fuck down. I still get a small anxiety attack when they don't answer my IMs or text messages right away, but so long as I don't let that get the better of me then I should be fine. And not be so demanding.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really 22 or 2.

I ended up playing the Nintendo Wii this weekend and I haven't wanted to purchase a gaming system so badly in quite a while. The new Legend of Zelda game is wonderful, as is the gyroscopic technology in the controllers that I'd love to be able to play it whenever possible. To lock myself in and just enjoy the storyline at my own leisure. But $300 is a lot to drop on a system I won't play much longer than a year or so.

And there's a lot I can do with $300.

So in the meantime, I'm still freaking out over not getting much work done, not knowing what new stuff to work on next - I should set myself up with deadlines - and really hating this weather, this time of year and the color of our lightbulbs. I wish I could invest in full spectrum lightbulbs, but that's a bit extravegant right now.

Such is life.

Now I need to start planning presents for my friends this year. So many people... and I have so little money.

Ah well.