.21.

A lot has changed.

I found a new apartment, after a tough time breaking into ghetto real estate that involved credit checks. It's up in Ridgewood, Queens, at the border with Bushwick. It's a very nice place with no closets but a nice walk-in pantry. It balances out, since we care more about eating than storing clothing.

Tim moved down from Massachusettes and the past few weeks have been a whirlwind of lovemaking and shopping and working at my job.

I also made a few contacts from Gen Con in Indianapolis and should hopefully be completing some test assignments in the next few days.

I lose my discipline very quickly, especially in the face of socialization. Or worse, feeling obligated towards seeing someone.

I suppose that in the next couple of weekends I should have a formal gathering to see everyone so I can go another month or few without feeling bad. But with Tim around, I don't really much care to see anyone. I also can work when I'm around him on my art, which I cannot do around anyone else.

It sounds a bit cold-hearted and ungrateful, but honestly, there's too much I need to get done these days to worry about socializing and friends. They got along fine before I showed up and will probably continue to do so while I'm gone. Hopefully they won't have hard feelings about this whole disappearing thing, but if they know me well enough, then they'll know that's what I do.

.20.

For over a year now, I'd been dreaming and wondering of what I would do if the girl I once loved said she didn't hate me anymore.

If she asked for me to not hate her and for our feud to end and can't we be some semblance of friends again?

It's been almost three weeks since that happened and after the moment was gone, I haven't thought about it since. I have a stronger urge to go back to reading my book then trying to strike up a conversation with her.

And with things the way they are, I probably will never see her again. Because I don't need to go out to a bar to hang around with people trying to fuck me to feel less lonely anymore and that's her group of people. I'm no longer fighting for a foothold in them when finally I don't feel a need to have a place with them.

The truth of the matter is, I think my love for her is finally dead and buried. She doesn't make my heart seize up and my veins collapse when I think of her memory. I can listen to the Hippos or the Aquabats with nothing more that an itch at the top of my spine during the first couple of notes. It won't reduce me to tears or blind anger.

It's nice to realize you've moved on.

.19.

I'm feeling like I'm so not together.

My alarm clock in my cell phone doesn't work right and I keep showing up a half hour or more late to work. My boss finally yelled at me for it and it makes me feel like shit.

There's just too much to do and I'm getting far too little sleep. With oversleeping, I got about 8 hours last night and I can still barely keep the eyes focused. I don't even have time to make or purchase coffee. Or eat breakfast. Or make myself dinner.

I'm starting to wonder if GenCon will even be anything like a real vacation...

Stress and more stress. I feel like I'm losing out on so much these days.