.30.

So much has been going on.

Lately, I've been hallucinating. And by lately I mean the past week. I've started viewing these things as a sort of sign that things aren't going right in my head. A symptom, rather than an actual problem in and of itself. And it's true that I've been very depressed since the time changed over and now it gets dark at 4pm and it's always cold in my apartment and Tim has started working crazy holiday shifts so that I never see him. And on our days together, he mostly spends it asleep.

So I've been very lonely as of late and trying to spend time with people as often as possible. To the point that it is triggering my social anxiety.

I don't trust the people I call my friends. I adore them and all, but I constantly cycle through the idea that either they don't really want me around and are just being polite while saying awful things about me behind my back, or that they require me to be around more often and when I'm not, they get resentful.

And honestly, I think I just need to stop thinking that I am important enough for either of those to be true.

I picked my friends because they are a lot more independant than the average person. And so I'm sure they appreciate me when I'm around and might even be delighted when I stop being a hermit, but if they wanted time away then they would say so. And they won't hold it against me because I have other things to do in my life because so do they.

After having had that epiphany, I've started to calm the fuck down. I still get a small anxiety attack when they don't answer my IMs or text messages right away, but so long as I don't let that get the better of me then I should be fine. And not be so demanding.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really 22 or 2.

I ended up playing the Nintendo Wii this weekend and I haven't wanted to purchase a gaming system so badly in quite a while. The new Legend of Zelda game is wonderful, as is the gyroscopic technology in the controllers that I'd love to be able to play it whenever possible. To lock myself in and just enjoy the storyline at my own leisure. But $300 is a lot to drop on a system I won't play much longer than a year or so.

And there's a lot I can do with $300.

So in the meantime, I'm still freaking out over not getting much work done, not knowing what new stuff to work on next - I should set myself up with deadlines - and really hating this weather, this time of year and the color of our lightbulbs. I wish I could invest in full spectrum lightbulbs, but that's a bit extravegant right now.

Such is life.

Now I need to start planning presents for my friends this year. So many people... and I have so little money.

Ah well.

.29.

One thing that I love about getting drunk is that it tends to change my perspective of the world.

I start getting strange and crazy revelations to the world, like how a lot of popular rap music seems to be put out to give kids a cause behind, but it's really just a way for them to become self-centered and only view the world through the things that are affecting them on an entirely surface level. How they don't have money, bitches and hoes, making it big by doing very little work.

The problem with this, however, is that when I try to share it with people I'm mostly incomprehendable. It just never comes out right and the point is usually lost and conversation turns into people having to defend themselves because again, they're missing the big picture of how this is affecting everyone and everything and it's just a personal attack, seemingly.

Even if it is true and they're just buying into a multi-million dollar system to oppress people and have them like it.

Damn those awesome basslines.

Coincidentally, I also hate when I'm woken up at noon Friday morning after I'd just come home wasted not five hours earlier by cars with obscenely large speakers blasting those awesome basslines and shouting out about bitches and hoes and money and drinking Hennesey with pineapple juice.

Which is not to say that I hate rap music. In fact, I believe I shall start cleaning up the house listening to Jedi Mind Tricks.

A very deceptive band name, since I have yet to hear a Star Wars reference.

.28.

I've been doing my best to keep myself busy with work lately, but it's terribly hard to concentrate.

It seems like i'm truly the sort who requires deadlines by other people and a strong direction of where to go. These days, that appears to be lacking.

But I've done six t-shirt designs in two days, so that seems to be something. I also am getting an urge to start writing again. Maybe by creating a story first, I can create characters better. I almost miss MUD-ing, just because of the way I could create backstories for my characters. Perhaps delving into that would be a good thing...

I should stop writing here and start plotting more things out in my sketchbooks, shouldn't I?

.27.

I feel terribly scattered and disorganized.

There's just so much I want to do and yet, when it comes out it's just in such a rush that it all turns out horrible. There is no focus, there is only pure emotion. I lack the precision of tools to carve it into what I want.

Maybe it's just that time... I feel like I haven't gone crazy in a while. Maybe the kids in the bus are getting rowdy. All that I do know is that I'm at once anxious and lazy and ultimately stressed and this is no good.

I miss Tim. I miss having someone around who can help me focus my art and who I can build off of. That's the worst part, honestly, about him not being around so much. I need that aspect of him.

In the meantime, I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. I've been sick for the past three days and I want more time to myself to figure something out.