.14.

So... wow, this whole thing is so weird.

I've pretty much landed on my feet after this week of technological deaths. I'm getting my brother's old phone since he was due for an upgrade on his own, which I should hopefully receive by Monday or Tuesday at the latest. I'm back to my good ol' trusty iMac, who even after a year of neglect apparently forgives me and we're like best of friends once more and I should be in a show come Monday as my first group art show.

Being on the old computer is so weird though. It hasn't been updated since May of last year and so it's still filled with old logs from the time, old playlists that my lost friends made on it, old artwork... The whole thing kind of tears open wounds like my ear was earlier when Brian cut through the scab to return the 6 gauge plug into it. I don't like living in the past, especially when I think of how sick I used to be when I lived my life through it and the way that I see others living through it as well. I'm starting to view this as a necessary catalyst for change, but I'm not sure where to build things up from here.

I hope to start at least by cleaning up my room and organizing it before I disappear for a few days and getting to work touching up my old paintings. From there, I will go to Massachusettes to see my boyfriend, meet his friends out there and hopefully have him help me set up some references and sketches to start doing paintings for my boss. There's still so many loose ends to tie off before I move forward, I just don't want to be consumed by them.

I think staying in tonight will also be good. I just need a break from the Thursday crowds, both the group I've been in and my own close friends. Just to reevaluate some things, since a lot of hurt has been going on from both groups to me and perhaps I'll get to work through it better when I'm sober.

Being drunk so much reminds me of a year ago as well, although at least this time I'm not trying to drown the pain away. But I'm still running from my responsibilities and that's never a good thing. I wish I could get this alcohol thing down, but really, I'm terribly irresponsible with it. Even if people view me as being a higher functioning alcoholic to the point of not deserving that title at all. But that's like people who think I'm mentally balanced when really it's a daily struggle to not fall into it too deeply.

All the good artists were fucked up on something anyways. Beer goggles can be good for something, sometimes.

I have my to-do list for the evening. Let's hope my "nap" doesn't turn into full on sleep that leaves me with a ton of stress come Monday.